Runescape: State Of Emergency Declared Over Stolen Online Girlfriend

06/03/2018 WeekendAtMartys

June 3, 2018.

At 12:00 pm Eastern Standard Time, a state of emergency was declared in the online game Runescape. This declaration comes one day after local rapper and Runescape streamer LBA had his girlfriend stolen by a nefarious trickster deep in the Edgeville Wilderness.

According to LBA, he parked his online girlfriend next to the Grand Exchange in Varrock to go sell Big Bones, when he returned hours later his girlfriend was no where to be seen. He suspects that his girlfriend was stolen.

(LBA and his girlfriend on vacation in Malta)

Witnesses on the scene however, say that his girlfriend left willingly after discussing cash gifts and drop parties with the perpetrator who was identified by Varrock Bankers as Ian Fire, a Runescape rapper who had a previous relationship with LBA’s girlfriend. Witnesses say that she stated she was tired of hanging out with LBA and wanted a man who could buy her a full set of dragon armor.  In a statement to the Ballout News Network, LBA pleads with all Runescapers to sell him a new girlfriend. LBA claims that he will give a party hat to the first person to deliver a replacement girlfriend.

(photo of the suspect Ian Fire with LBA’s girlfriend)

The state of emergency will enforce a ban on all girlfriend purchases and it will extend from Lumbridge up to the upper tiers of the Wilderness, ending around level 45. Levels 45 through 50 will be unchanged and available to meet the needs of high level scammers and Runescape YouTube Pking videos. Additionally in a joint tweet with the United Nations, President Donald Trump has declared Ian Fire to be an enemy of the state and has reported to have kicked him from his friends list. The fiery tweet surfaced after Ian Fire was seen trying to pick up First Lady Milania Trump at the Hill Giants dungeon on World 3.

Anyone with information is required to call the FBI and CIA.