Of Sales and Men: How I Learned to Quit Worrying and Give Valve All My Money

06/02/2019 WeekendAtMartys

It was a cold windy night in Late October, I was chilling with my loser friend behind an Albertsons playing wall ball and drinking Four Lokos, when we were interrupted by another one of our friends, Billy. He floored his 96 Honda Accord into the parking lot and slammed on the breaks poking his head outside the window. My friend Billy looks at us and calmly says “get in losers, Gabe Newell has gone crazy and is giving free money to anyone who shows up!” Without question we piled into his decrepit sedan and sped off to the location, with dreams of big tiddy goth gfs in our hearts and sewer water mixed with alcohol in our guts, the short drive seemed like it passed in a second.

THE SPOT itself was unremarkable, it just seemed like a basic cookie cutter mega penthouse in the middle of Manhattan. Gold floors, rugs made out of exotic animals, and an endless supply of model-tier women running around the pad. Pretty standard stuff tbh, wasn’t impressed. Anyways shortly after arriving at the penthouse and after having a look around we were greeting by a proper English gentlemen who directed us into a dark room. I was initially skeptical of the room but my friends remained undetermined, so we pressed on. The room was completely empty except a table with four chairs and a single laptop on it.

A large man came into the dimly lit room. As he shuffled about we could vaguely make out that this man was in fact Gabe Newell the founder of Valve and progenitor of many of the greatest video games known to man. He plopped down on the one open seat and turned to us with a glare in his eye and said “Do you know why I called you here?”, “Sure do, for free money!, my dim witted friend blurted out. “Your damn right, but probably not in the way your thinking. I have an once in a biannual opportunity if you so choose.” he said. “Every day millions of dollars are being lost to high game prices, and we at valve aim to stop this!” He exclaimed as the models from earlier entered the room. “By giving us all your money, you can play as many games when ever you want, there by saving you a small fortune…” Before he finished his sentence I cut him off “Sir this is nice and all but I have to buy food and pay rent.” “Oh of course, by all means, you don’t have to sign up for Steam…” Gabe said, as the models inched closer with hands position in various Kung Fu positions. Fearing for my safety I quickly put in my credit card information and logged into my new steam account. And purchased every steam game that was on sale, totaling approximately $60,000. After making our purchases we were then swiftly kicked out of the penthouse. I played CSGO and cried on my keyboard for the rest of the night.

Anyways it’s been 6 months since I gave all my money to Valve during the steam sale and my wallet really hasn’t recovered. I failed to pay rent and have had to take up residence in a Korean internet cafe with the other nerds. Playing Portal 2, super mega edition and the 50th re-release of the OrangeBox. And even though I am effectively homeless I am content because I placed all my faith in the steam store and been rewarded with cheap games.

This is a joke article, and fake news. Steam sales are dope tbh, please release Half Life 3.