Last Year I Started Micro-dosing Hellman’s Mayonnaise and Now I’m in MLG

12/04/2018 WeekendAtMartys

And there I sat in a Vegas casino basement with a hand rolled cigar in my mouth, having just completed a 20 hour live stream/speedrunning tournament, Twitch Streamers on my left, and sweaty neckbeards to my right. All of them with furrowed brows and bright red faces just waiting for opportunity to go into a fit of autistic rage. I sat near the 90’s CRT TV having just completed my speed run of Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes in record time with my pack of new age Cat Women, cheering me on. An announcer on the stream said that my play made him believe in God again. And in between pathetic praises of my extraordinary skills, I stick my hand into my trusty jar and extract a handful of Hellman’s Mayonnaise and gulp it down. The cheers of the crowd seem to deafen as my speed run of Paper Mario begins. The neckbeards and gamer girls seem to fade from existence as that shitty TV that they really should of replaced months ago becomes all too colorful. The cat girls become louder and louder giving me insights on how a mediocre Mario game from the early 2000’s is supposed to be played (Let’s be honest Paper Mario isn’t Mario Galaxy).

(This game is like 60% text)

It wasn’t always like this, I used to be a sweaty nerd spending my entire weekends/summers/neeting hours in my parent’s cramped basement playing Ocarina of Time trying to figure out to kick Gannondorf in the balls so that 4/10 will notice how much of a nice guy I am. But unlike most of you reading this, a celestial figure that may or may not have been Elon Musk rolling by on a Tesla sleigh dressed as Santa Claus, came to my window and offered me the 100% WINNING STRATEGY to speedrunning and all gaming pursuits. What’s the secret? It’s simple just grab a jar of Hellman’s Mayonnaise and start eating.