How to Acquire a Goth Girlfriend in 2018

07/29/2018 WeekendAtMartys

Throughout the centuries philosophers far and near have debated life’s greatest mysteries. However even the greatest of minds cannot answer all of life’s quandaries. One of these seemingly unsolvable mysteries is, “How to get a Goth GF in 2018?” Well, I should say, it was seemingly unsolvable until now. Earlier this week I came across a music video from a local rapper Sammy, searching for the answer to this very question.

The video was definitely internalizing the struggle of men in the Post-My Chemical Romance, dating scene. For those of whom are unaware, since 2005 the amount of goth GF’s allotted to the public has been cut by 90% by the United States Government in an attempt to push men to date country music thots. Anyways, after viewing the video, I was convinced that this man had the answers to “the goth gf question” and proceeded to sit down for an interview with him.

INTERVIEW:

Marty: Let’s get down to business, explain how and when you discovered that Goth GF’s were the superior form of female companionship?

Sammy: I first discovered goth girls were the ultimate form of companionship through a dream I had many, many, years ago. I remember dreaming about an empty white space, and a beautiful being descended from above to meet me. This being wore all black clothing, hello kitty bracelets, big tiddies, and loved MCR. this creature was no doubt, a goth gf. Before I could say anything, I woke up in a cold sweat with a new found purpose in life: to find a big tiddy goth gf. The only way I knew how to start was through a music video.

Marty: Okay, where are the best places to go for someone looking for a Big Tiddy Goth GF?

Sammy: The first places I went looking in my video were through my high school, a park, and the local abandoned bridge that edgy teens came to graffiti everywhere. After posting the video, I had looked around malls, thrift stores, and dark alleyways in the cities. The local Hot Topic proved to be the most fruitful spot for finding a goth gf.

Marty: Interesting, any tips on landing a goth gf besides location?

Sammy: Goth girls love edgy boys, artsy boys, and boys who listen to bands like MCR. Wear dark clothes, band t-shirts if you have to. Ripped jeans and plaid shirts are also a must. Learn to skate or play guitar if you want an extra thing going for you.

Marty: How about this, Let’s say MCR is making a new album and you get to come up with the name, what will you name the album?

Sammy: MCR’s new album should be titled: The Black Parade 2, feat. Lil Uzi Vert. Since The Black Parade is one of their best albums (imo) they need to recreate the feeling of that project, and to add a special kick to keep up with the times, we need none other than Lil Uzi.

Well, there you have it, even if the U.S. is cutting down on premium goth girlfriends, there are still many ways you can make sure you’ll have a girl to RawrXD with all summer long.