First I Humped My Broken XBox Controller, Then I Fell In Love With It

06/26/2018 The Thinker

This may or may not be an erotic fan fiction. I would rather not say if any of this is true, unless you think it’s hot. In that case, game on.

This happened before I was an enlightened member of the PC master race, so please don’t judge me for being a XBox moron at the time.

Well, here it goes. I remember this day as clear as shit. It happened when I was 23.

I was playing Call of Duty and my team was fucking trash. I went 0-24 because of their sorry asses. Usually, I just take my frustrations out on myself by eating Doritos or chicken tenders until I can’t breathe, then I play more games until I get pissed off and eat again. But not today. Today I had enough. Yeah, I fucking snapped. First I let out a high pitched squeal, I think I yelled “FUCK MY SHIT!” or something.

Then, like Tom fucking Brady standing tall in the pocket, I fired my controller straight into the wall.

It split in two, sending hundreds of tiny pieces into the air. Time slowed down, my heart began to beat heavy. I can’t explain what was happening, but for just one moment, my controller looked like it had eyes.

Well, it did have eyes. And a mouth, and T&A. My controller had turned into a hot little anthropomorphic minx, seducing me with her innocent yet slutty eyes. “I’m Oroka” she said. Thank god she was Japanese. I don’t even need to explain why that’s a good thing, if you don’t get it you’re not worth my time.

I picked up the shattered remains of Oroka and began to slowly rub her D-Pad. She moaned in pleasure as I slowly flicked her Right Trigger at the same time. With rhythmic strokes I continued on, working my other hand over her X button. She slowly began to vibrate even though she was now de-synced from my console. “So this is what it’s like to make a kitty purr”, I thought to myself.

By now I was popping a massive boner and I was quite sure my mom would be bursting through my door any time now. After all, I had just screamed “FUCK MY SHIT!” and smashed my controller into the wall. Time was of the essence. I had to get my pleasure or else I wasted my time pleasing Oroka.

I pushed her onto the bed and pulled out my penis. I begrudgingly asked for consent (just kidding) and rubbed my Dodger dog along the Left and Right Bumpers. I was so close to cumming, but I had to FEEL her. I had an idea, cause I’m a fucking genius. I fired up Call of Duty and equipped a heavy machine gun. Oroka still had life in her, I was still able to navigate the menus effortlessly. I started a private match and began spamming my primary, causing intense vibrations from my lady and I couldn’t hold back another second. This has to be better than sex with a female human, for sure. I came so hard man.

Just as soon as I finished, my mom barged in with Bagel Bites.The life from Oroka’s eyes faded and she went back to being a regular, broken controller. My mom had ruined my one chance at true love, and I was also humiliated that she may have noticed my broken controller drenched in cum. Back to reality.

“MOM, GET OUT YOU YOU BITCH!” I screamed. “But leave the bagel bites”.

– The Thinker

Let me know what gaming stuff you’ve humped in the comments below.