Console Wars: The Definitive Conclusion

06/29/2019 WeekendAtMartys

Just in case you weren’t aware we are currently in year 35 of the console wars. For three and a half decades nerds across the world have been devoting their time and energy to defend their favorite pieces of plastic. The front lines for the console war right now are the current generation consoles, with the only two relevant consoles in said generation (The XBOX ONE and the PS4) fighting it out for bragging rights. However after 5 and a half years neither console has edged the other out and claimed superiority, that is until now. By using three random nonsensical criteria that I came up with while yelling at randoms  in Rocket League (A game I suck at btw, like seriously I’m still in Silver 3) I have come up with a speedy and satisfactory conclusion to the console war.

Easiest Name to Make Fun of: Playstation has done a lot of things right this generation but naming is not one of them. The PS4’s name is lazy and just a continuation of the PS3,2 and 1, but because the name is so generic, it is hard to make fun of. On the other hand XBOX ONE’s is a gold mine of insults. In a couple of minutes I came up with a few names, AssBoxOne, ShitBox, XBoner, and the ShitBoxOneWithKinect. Clearly the winner in the name department is the PS4, if only because it’s literally the most basic name you can pick. Winner: PS4

Most likely to be destroyed by your dad for E-Fame: Where the XBOX fails with it’s name it makes up with the dude bro games like Gears and every EA sports game sponsorship under the sun. Also for a time the brand was sponsored by Monster, allowing for you and your absent father to have a bonding moment while sipping Monster  Energy Drink and talking about fishing. The PS4 on the other hand is sure to get destroyed when you dad realizes that he raised a blob of human being who only wants to play Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest.

(You, when pop-pop gets tired of Dragon Quest XI interrupting his Fox News)
Winner: XBOX ONE

Dumbest looking: To be honest the base  XBOX ONE and PS4 look the exact same, like two black/dark grey bricks. However the PS4 Pro looks like a  Triple Decker deli sandwich, which in my opinion is unforgivable, even if it does play 4k in amazing quality. Also the XBOX Capricorn or whatever does the exact same thing too. Winner: XBOX

Overall Winner: XBOX ONE, pack it up folks this console war is over.