Local Loser Has Over 100 Days On Modern Warfare Remastered, and Still Sucks

06/23/2019 WeekendAtMartys

In a stunning turn of events local man, Michael Thompson snapped his 40 game losing streak in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare Remastered. When asked about the accomplishment of playing over 16 hours and achieving only one victory in team death match, Thompson declared that he was “back” and that a possible MLG run was in the immediate future. He also revealed plans to release a Twitch streaming channel dedicated to his online gaming prowess.  After making the announcement, the morbidly obese, self proclaimed “Professional Gamer” yelled at his “roommate”, who just happens to be his elderly mother, to fetch him more hot pockets.

Thompson, by his account is no stranger to success. He was once the fifth place finisher in his middle school’s Guitar Hero 2 tournament finishing just ahead of the shop teacher and a confused grandmother of one of the other contestants. He was also the second to last finisher in a Smash Bros: Melee tournament sometime in early 2014, taking a set off of the player known as CoolGuyx34121341. Also in addition to gaming successes, he boasts that he knew what Bitcoin was before 2017 stating that he didn’t invest because he couldn’t quite lock down the foreign investment that was required for a large scale Bitcoin mining operation.

After receiving his “gaming fuel” Thompson rattles off 5 straight losses, with his team losing at an average rate of 75 to 21. Thompson, in this string of games had an average kill to death ratio of 1 to 15. The local man’s team can be heard in the background yelling at Thompson to quit joining their games and to “just uninstall the game already”. However Thompson’s consistent pursuit of gaming excellence dissuades him from leaving the room and in response his entire team quits mid game. The match ends in an unceremonious 75 to 5 drubbing, leading to one of opposing team members to offer to help Thompson to get better at the game, which enrages the local man, calling the other team “Try hard nerds”.  It is unclear how long Thompson will keep playing Modern Warfare Remastered, but he intends to at least reach the 100 wins total before retiring some time in 2030.