Channeling Online Rage – 5 Easy Tips For Angry Gamers

12/14/2018 Ron Tijuana Sr.

Here’s a hypothetical Situation:

You haven’t eaten in almost an hour and you’re literally dying of hunger. Your worthless but better looking step brother, Aiyden just ate the last of the frozen chicken tendies that YOUR mom bought for BOTH of you. Great, he’s slurped down all the ranch too. Just have a hot pocket! Nope, that piece of crap ate all of them too. Whatever, just focus on some games until mom comes home with Taco Bell. Oh, wait – your team is getting fucking wrecked in Overwatch now and now there is no escape from the hell that is your life. Even worse, you’re getting your ass handed to you in ranked.

You get shit tier grades. You hate your weird, fucking lumpy body. And your acne. You realize your whole life sucks and you can feel Father Time beating down on your ugly, lazy ass – and you’re only 18. You feel powerless and shitty and you don’t want to admit that you suck at everything, especially Overwatch right now. You’re the reason your team is losing and you know it, but you will choke on that information and blame everyone else. You’re screaming into your mic, mocking everyone and screeching out socially unacceptable slurs to let out a little poison. Your stock is plummeting quickly. Fuck your life, man.

Now – instead of punching a wall, breaking your controller or killing your family (if you’re white): try these 5 easy tips to harness your rage instead.

1. Stick your penis (or vagina) into a luke warm banana peel. 

This might sound weird, but it might feel good. The goal of this exercise is to blow off some steam and channel your inner rage into a moment of (potential) sexual bliss. Just make sure it’s not too hot, as burning your lil’ tootsie roll may send you into a far worse psychotic rage and we don’t have an article about how to harness that (yet).

Ladies –  this requires a higher skill tree to pull off with your girl penis or whatever. The banana peel should always remain on the outside of your body, so don’t be a hero or try-hard and go for anything more advanced than that. In case you’re dense: don’t shove the peel into anything.  That goes for the boys too, until we’ve done more research.

Pro-Tip: A good banana peel should last for several uses if you’re gentle. It’s probably not dishwasher safe, so make sure your mom knows  you need it hand washed if you’re planning on going more rounds.

2. Write an angry letter to a long dead and forgotten relative, then destroy it.

Go on a genealogy website and dig into your family tree. Pick a long dead relative that you’ve never heard of and write a letter to them. Rage on them for getting you to this point. If only they had pulled out, exclusively done anal or chose to remain a virgin – you would not be in this mess. It’s not that you don’t want to be alive, but obviously their genes were trash. Exhibit A being you.

I’m not saying that you’re definitely a dumpster fire, this is just an example of how to properly rage out on your dead rellies.

Pro-Tip: Destroy the letter because you need to maintain some type of dignity, even if you don’t think you deserve it. If this doesn’t work, stick your micro-penis in a banana as mentioned above.

3. Find Waldo in this SUPER EASY Waldo picture:

You probably just need to kickstart your self esteem a little (on account of you feeling like a loser and all). A good way to get that positive momentum going is by achieving a small accomplishment. See if you can find Waldo in the above picture. Hint: He is highlighted in a bright yellow halo.

Find him? You did?! Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Pro-Tip: It doesn’t get any easier than this. If you can’t figure this one out, you probably aren’t ready for the banana trick.

4. Check your temperature with an anal thermometer

If your rage is uncontrollable, it might not just be emotional. Just to be safe you’ll want to rule out any problems with your health, especially a fever, which could by a symptom of something more serious.  As soon as you feel your rage coming on, promptly insert an anal thermometer and make sure your temperature seems about right. You can look up all the nuts and bolts of taking your temperature on your own. I’m not here to give medical advice – but it’s wise to rule out a fever when you’re upset, as they can lead to rage fueled hallucinations and violence.

Pro-Tip: For extra spice, you can try this and the banana technique at the same time.

5. Shovel food into your face as fast as possible 

This should be a last resort technique, but it works. You should only turn to this if: humping a banana peel, raging on dead relatives, building your self esteem by accomplishing things a 4 year old could do or sticking a thermometer in your asshole have not helped. This cope will only make you more sad, hollow and blubbery in the long run – but if you’re worried that you’re going to harm yourself or someone else, for the love of god, start eating and don’t look back.

Pro-tip: Let your roommates (mom and dad) know that you’re working out your demons and will need copious amounts of doritos, mountain dew and fried, frozen foods that can be microwaved in 2 minutes or less – or you’re gonna have issues.

I am no psychologist, this is not medical advice. Let us know which tips have worked for you in the comments below! Not that anyone ever comments or that I’m salty about that fact.