You can listen to your stupid fake news all you want. That’s right, go ahead and live in your ignorant cocoon and die – or awaken your calcified pineal gland and listen to me right now.
This is BREAKING news, hot off the press: LOGAN PAUL LOVING JUGGALOS HAVE TAKEN OVER ALCATRAZ.
What we know:
The Logang Juggalos have taken over Alcatraz and are threatening to execute hostages if YouTube doesn’t reinstate Paul into its esteemed Google Preferred advertising program. They also demand that his YouTube Red projects be produced, or else they will fire toxic VX nerve gas missiles into the San Francisco bay
A group of Navy Seals was deployed to the island and all of them were killed while entering the prison via a manhole in the shower area. Fortunately, they also brought a gun shy FBI scientist and an aging British spy with them, so hopefully that helps.
The Juggalos are running low on Faygo soda, which is their life force. FBI profilers believe that without their nectar, a lord of the flies scenario may play itself out – complete with the Juggalos bashing a fat, weaker Juggalo in the head with a big, heavy ass rock.
The nerd and the old spy are making progress. They’ve already killed several of the hostage takers and are currently on pace to dramatically wave flares at Air Force jets scrambling above them, like so:
That’s all the news we have for now, 1 like equals one prayer for the hostages.