Well ladies and gents, it’s that time of year again to call out all of the most badass sons of guns on the internet! Some of you plebes may scoff this list off as a bunch of school shooter, neckbearded virgin types – but that’s why you’re not a badass, now isn’t it bitch!?
The Badass of the Century winners are listed in no particular order:
Heavyset, vigilant archery guy
These goons are gentle in spirit and lethal in aim. They can typically be found watching over the houses of women they love that don’t know they exist. You sleep well at night because of great men like these, so you definitely want to keep them on your good side.
Wishes he lived in the Matrix type dude
Every now and then, brave gentlesirs unplug from the Matrix that all us sheeple live in and let their katana do the talking. These guys are usually adorned in all black clothing, a faux leather coat, black gloves and sunglasses. They are big on doing cocky smirks and making quips like “nothing personal, kid” before sending you to meet your maker. Seriously, don’t fuck with these guys at all costs, they aren’t living in your reality.
Wishes he lived in the Matrix type dude (Berserker edition)
Very similar to the aforementioned “escaped the matrix” guy, except this dude is PISSED and is typically fatter and wearing a fedora (or trilby for you hat snobs). He hates society in general, but he especially hates: classmates and coworkers, all women anywhere and men he perceives to be popular. He wants to see all normies suffer, so run the other way if you see him.
Mr. Steal your girl
Class and swag in one high performance package. He will have your girlfriend naked in his bedroom taking shots of Mountain Dew and bustin’ it wide open for him within minutes of meeting her. Best advice is to not ever put yourself in that situation and become a reclusive shut-in with your girl.
* He beasts on social media too, so don’t let him catch your girl on there either. Seriously, just go off the grid if you don’t want your beautiful, sweet girlfriend riding him like a cowgirl or a reverse cowgirl for that matter.
To be honest, most of the guys who own katanas are pretty fat – but they’re still fucking badasses. The Basement Ninja separates himself through agility and stealth, because he’s skinny and has bugged out eyes. He respects and protects all women, until they put him in the friendzone. Then, he disappears into a cloud of ninja smoke and she’s on her own. That’s the best case scenario, worst case is he puts the katana to her. Dark, but it happens.
Sidenote: HE LOVES HENTAI, surprise surprise.
The Plot Twist
The wildcard of the badass world of badasses. Dudes like this may look like an NFL running back or night club bouncer, but in reality they’re giving deep strokes to their anime body pillows, crying to the most melancholy songs from the Final Fantasy soundtrack or getting dropped off at a local manga meetup by their mom on any given day. They walk between the two worlds and fool people on both sides, but they’re the least likely to do a mass shooting, so they’re actually pretty chill.
Facebook Anime Enforcer
These guys don’t know or don’t care that taking pictures with guns on Facebook usually gets women quite dry. Well, at least with their current haircut, faces, bodies and words that come out of their mouths. These guys are all talk and it’s usually just an airsoft gun, but every know and then it’s their grandpa’s real gun – then all bets are off, especially if you’ve been talking shit in their anime and manga group on Facebook. Only summon them when someone needs to be bounced out of Facebook.
Minecraft Serial Killer
This guy is just like all the rest, except he’s terrifying because he rolls with a hammer. Weapon choices like this tend to imply a sadistic streak and a penchant for up close and personal gore – or at least suggests they’re obsessed with Minecraft to the point they cosplay it every day. Just don’t piss him off, you don’t wanna see what that hammer do.
The Supreme Gentleman
This White Knight is on a mission from heaven to put chivalry back on the map. He hates womanizers, sexists and misogynists – but more than that, he hates women who won’t be his girlfriend, especially if he was NICE to her. Once that wraith is invoked, he becomes a demon – labeling all women as “stupid sluts” and praying they get their hearts trampled by the fuckboys they chose over him. Other than that, he loves and respects women above all else and will die for their honor.
Honorable Mention: Anime Taliban Neckbeard
I know this shit is photoshopped, but could you imagine this young Mujahideen in the slums of his caliphate feverishly jerking off to hentai under threat of incoming mortar fire? I can. Expect my new erotic fan fiction about this soon.
A special thanks to The Academy for taking time out of their busy schedules to vote and enshrine these badasses into the Hall of Fame – opening soon in Canton, Ohio!
If you’re a badass, stab someone with your katana in the comments below.